where He finds me

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Here I am again.  I’ve run hard and fast to get here. I’ve stumbled in the dark.  I’ve slipped and lost my footing. I’ve stopped cold, paralyzed by my fears.  I’ve found the courage to take another halting imperfect step.

Beauty has emerged from a shattered heart.  Trust forged stronger.  Everlasting truth traded for shaky hopes wrapped in my best effort.  I have seen facades crash to pieces all around me revealing what was hidden from my striving eyes.  My horizon spreads out in beautiful vulnerability.

I am n0t perfect.  Nobody but me was ever confused about that.  I am not in control of anything.  So, I stop running, stop trying to hold all the pieces of my life together. I reach down and find the ground.  There…there is where He finds me.

I cry out as each piece of my broken heart shatters around me.  Pain etches truth into my soul.  How can a mother forget her child?  How can I let go? How can it be right to ask me to let go now? Let go?  It is not possible.  My life has been holding on. protecting. keeping.  My baby is being ripped out of my arms…my heart…my soul.

My failures taunt me.  Grief overwhelms me.  I look straight into the eyes of God.  I am afraid but I do not flinch.  I find I am challenging Him.  Can I trust Him with her?  If I let go, will He really catch her?  The answer I know is yes but my heart, my broken heart fights like a wild thing.

I don’t hear Him promise.  He requires trust. Trust forged through the fire of sacrifice. This is not about me. I have been the vessel He used to bring these beautiful, amazing people into this world.  They are not mine.  They are His.

The night I stood over the crib of my first born almost 30 years ago, He told me that it wasn’t me who kept them safe.  That didn’t keep me from trying with every fiber of my being to protect them.

Now I am seeing truth. My mothering was really more about me trying to protect myself as a child.  I projected my pain, my fear, my experiences onto the lives of my children.  Overprotecting in my ignorance, my fear driving me.

His reproof is gentle and life-giving.  I have to trust Him to be faithful.  I have to let go and let Him walk HIS children on their own journey.  I am not their hero.  I am just me. I simply walked my path.  imperfectly walked my path.  with fear and trembling.  I know God is good.  I believe Lord, help my unbelief.

visiting with Jennifer.

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4 thoughts on “where He finds me

  1. Good Morning! I am visiting from Tell His Story.

    It really is about trust, isn’t it? Sometimes I have trouble trusting the people I can see, much less the God I can’t. But he keeps reaching out, waving all creation in front of my face, proving how much he loves me. (I have a 30 year old child too!)

    Someday I’ll learn, but for now, it’s step by step. I think the Lord is ok with that. I just have to keep walking.
    Nice to meet you today!
    Ceil

  2. Our children teach us the deepest lessons of truth, don’t they? Painfully beautiful lessons that refine us like nothing else. My heart was touched by your words here. May God be your comfort and hand wooing you, cradling you to his chest today.

  3. bbreit

    I just found your comment after three years. I never knew it was here. Thank you for your encouragement 🙂

  4. bbreit

    I had no idea what I was doing with this blog thing. I just today saw your comment from 2014. Thank you so much for responding.

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